Sunday, May 31, 2009
The "Reach Your Peak" run seemed like an easy run, but not when you seriously have "Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome". This is me BEFORE the race. Okay, so the prescription meds had me fooled. I thought my knee would be okay to run a few miles...I was wrong. Ten minutes into the race, my knee reminded me of how stupid I was for signing up for the race. I had to walk - actually it was more like a hopping, limping, hobble walk. Thankfully, this was a Run, Walk, & Stroll event, so I didn't finish in last place.
The weather was beautiful and I really enjoyed limping along the course at 8AM, behind a 3 year old and his mother. He was having fun looking back laughing at me as I limped closer, he would start to run faster...I never manged to pass the little brat :-)While running or trying to run, I realized that I don't want anyone telling me what I can and cannot do, even if it is a Doctor, who told me that I would not be able to run for at least 3 months...or was it 3 weeks?
I didn't want to believe her. I want to be the one who makes the decisions in my life. I have decided that after today, I will NOT be running for a while. Maybe one day, I will decide to follow the Dr's instructions.
Later today, I missed the rental furniture pick-up, so they rescheduled for Wednesday. That's better for me anyway.
I did manage to sort through a few more of the clothes I have all over my bedroom floor. It's sooooo hard to pack for three seasons! Actually, I have to keep reminding myself that this time, I am moving to Paris to "Live"...this is not a vacation. I plan to make my life over there, but how do I manage to take everything I need in a few pieces of luggage? How am I going to make this happen without the support of the military that I've always had for my overseas moves? I've never had to pack for a move like this. It's a real challenge. This will be an amazing adventure.
I am still trying to scale down and simplify my packing, but somehow, I have TOO MUCH STUFF!! How many pieces of clothing do we really need to survive anyway? How many winter coats does one girl need? I think I have 5 and I think I need them all. How many shoes? That's another story. How about pajamas and lingerie?! Simplifying Life is not Simple.
Those depressing thoughts from yesterday realized that there was no room in my mind for them to stay. Instead, thoughts of love, joy, hope and the Paris adventure took up all the space in my mind. They were invited to stay. Those wonderful light thoughts began to multiply in my mind and caused my body and soul to want dance! Today was a good day, eventhough I don't have my STUFF organized for this move...yet.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I know that you are not happy when I am happy and you only want to control me. You do not share my joy.
You want to control my life.
It gives you power.
I see that you want to draw me closer to you so that you can better control and manipulate me. But I don’t want to be near you. I am not happy when I am around you. I don’t feel good when I am around you. You take my energy, my power, you reach deep inside of me and you hurt my soul.
You sit waiting for the dreams of my heart to fail, because that is what you need to stay alive. It will make you stronger. My failure or unhappiness feeds the darkness inside of you.
I know that you do not wait to share my joy; you turn away to ignore my love, you only wait for my pain. You don’t want to see me shine. I can tell when I look into your eyes, there is no love shining through from your heart. You only want to manipulate.
Sometimes I fear the darkness inside of you. I don’t feel love around you.
Sometimes I’m afraid of you and I want to break free.
I want to stay far away, but I fear that one day I might be drawn closer to you.
I won’t know how to live my life near you because your dark power consumes. I don’t know how to Live around you. I have to stay away, but fear whispers that one day I might be back near you. I want to break free.
I am breaking free.
I hope that you see I AM breaking free.
In him, I saw another side of men. Kind and compassionate, even a little bit sensitive. I thought to myself, that’s the kind of man I want in my life; someone who is kind, sensitive, and genuine. I want a man in my life who smiles as he speaks, even if I cannot see it.
Thoughts fueled with depression are waiting to take up residency in my mind. I see that they want to bring me down and fill me with heavy sadness, asking me if I’m crazy to have given up the security of a government job, with benefits, insurance and a retirement plan. Those same thoughts are pointing out all the unorganized papers and clothes that surround me. Suggesting that I’m pathetic because I did not accomplish getting them sorted and organized like I had planned.
The thoughts of depression are waiting to fill in the spaces of my mind that were once occupied with thoughts of what will I wear to work today...a skirt or pants?, what are my priorities for the "To Do" list today?, what are the N. Koreans up to now?, how was my co-workers weekend?, who would I eat lunch with today? and I wonder if anyone brought in doughtnuts this morning?
The thoughts fueled with depression remind me that the rental furniture is scheduled to be picked up tomorrow and I’m not ready. I’m not organized yet. Life is scheduled to run me over…Depression is waiting for me to let the negative thoughts in so that they can replace the joy waiting to greet me.
It’s times like this when I depend on my best friend B. I complain to him and he always seems to have the right words to share that stomp out the negative thoughts. He seems to easily point out the good in my life and the good in the world. He remindes me of how really blessed we are, and he might even comment that the people in Afghanstan have no furniture, much less the option to rent. Nor do they have an idea of the opportunity to live in Paris. He makes me happy again at times like this. But now I realize that I cannot always depend on someone else to pull me away from my own thoughts.
So tonight, instead of calling on B, I am going to turn my back on the depressing thoughts and focus on the Light that I know exists inside of me. The Light that is guiding me through this journey called Life. For me, the Light is God, it's that “Something” that guides me, my Guardian Angel,…I don’t know exactly how this Higher Power works, but I do know that it exists in my life. It’s a more Positive perspective, that shines light on depressing dark thoughts and they dissolve.
When I choose to focus on my life from the Positive perspective, I see the good. I see the light of hope, and I find joy in the adventure of just living. I have faith again. I realize that today is just one day (my last official day of employment) that I have to get through in order to move toward the wonderful adventure that waits for me in Paris.
I am not sure that my life will be a success in Paris, but who really has any guarantees of success in life? I know that I can choose to be happy, hopeful and joyous right now, (even with the unorganized, unsorted papers and clothes that surround me) and that is what I am going to choose right now.
Who cares if the clothes and papers did not get organized today? I still have my health, hope and a dream inside of me. I can organize the stuff tomorrow...when I feel like it. Who cares if the furniture is scheduled to be picked up tomorrow? I could change that with a phone call if I want to, but I don’t want to. I have to prepare to move forward.
Sometimes there will be dark clouds over my head. That’s part of nature and part of life, but they too shall pass and the sun will shine again.
I will not let the depressing thoughts stay in my mind. Today I registered for the Colorado “Reach Your Peak 4 mile Run” for tomorrow instead of the 10K. It’s just a little longer than a 5k and I plan to walk if I have to. My knees are feeling better with no drugs today and I also bought a knee support brace for tomorrow’s run. Wish me luck!
Friday, May 29, 2009
I am "almost" free to start my new life, I just have to remember to submit my timesheet for one more day.
Most of the day I felt pretty good mainly because of the wonderful pain pills I got for my knee yesterday. I actually thought I was completely recovered from Monday's 10k run, until the medication wore off this afternoon and my knees reminded me that I am NOT an elite athlete. Maybe I will walk the 10k this Saturday.
This evening I had another private French Lesson with my instructor Alain Le Lait. Check out his website. http://www.frenchinthesprings.com/ Having lessons with him is another "Sign" that Paris is the right thing for me. How convenient is it that the only French instructor in Colorado Springs offers classes and private lessons 5 minutes away from where I live? He's an amazingly patient and awesome instructor! My French is improving...
Also met a few friends for dinner tonight at Ted's Montana Grill. I had beer-can chicken, asparagus, grilled mushrooms and sparkling water. (don't ask me why I had to write that.)
Tomorrow I will finish organizing my clothes for Paris, sort out clothes to donate to the Colorado Springs Rescue Mission, and pack up the extra clothes I will keep in storage in Vegas. Then I plan to finish the paperwork to refi my house.
That's pretty much the day in my life...until tomorrow.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Speaking of talent, one co-worker is actually a professional magican and he knows how much I love magic, so he performed a small magic show for the group during the breakfast. It was one of the nicest going-aways I've ever had!
Since this blog is my "Paris Focus", let me provide an update on my moving to Paris status.
Today I "out-processed" from the actual government facility I worked. Tomorrow, I have to "out-process" from my civilian company, which is at a location about 10 miles from where I was working. There were several layers of security to get into this job (which was really supposed to be located in Germany), and now there are several layers to get out...I just have to do them all in reverse before I am totally free to leave. I will be officially job-less after this Friday.
I've already purchased my flight to Paris, leaving Las Vegas on 10 Jun and arriving in Paris on 11 Jun. (yipee) Hopefully this blog will become more exciting then...
My apartment in Paris for the next 6 mos to 1 year is reserved and located in the 17th arrondisment. (small yippee, for small studio...but its a start!)
My accountant still has not finished my taxes. (she filed an extension in April) Don't know what's going on there, but I will call her this weekend.
My house is still on the market for sale, but I will rent it out next month if it does not sell. There are several people interested in renting, but not buying, so I don't think it will be a big problem to find a tenant to rent it next month.
I still need to re-finance this house so that I can lower the mortgage closer to the amount I can expect for rent. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. I also need my taxes to be finished for this process.
Oh, and then there's the too much stuff! Will I need therapy to help me LET GO OF THE STUFF...THE EXCESS STUFF...LET IT GO?!! I had to yell that out to myself.
I plan on fininshing my "simplify project" this weekend also. We'll see how I feel...
That's were I am in this "Move to Paris and Live my Dream" process.
I know there's something else I am supposed to do, but I don't remember as I am typing, so maybe I will write about it next time...
Yesterday, I could barely walk. Today I went to the clinic and was told I have Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome. Sounds more serious than its more common name "Runner's Knee"; it sounds like I might actually have some sort of elite athlete injury huh? Here's what it is and how it occurs:
Patellofemoral pain syndrom is pain behind the kneecap. It can occur from overuse of the knee in sports and activities such as running, walking, jumping or bicycling.
The kneecap (patella) is attached to the large group of muscles in the thigh called the quadriceps. It is also attached to the shin bone by the patellar tendon. The kneecap fits into grooves in the end of the thigh bone (femur) called the femoral condyle. With repeated bending and straightening of the knee, you can irritate the inside surface of the kneecap and cause pain.
If I had stretched more than I did before I ran, this would have prevented the large tight quad muscles from pulling on the kneecap causing it to rub on the bone.
I should have thought about (if you've read a few blogs back) when we celebrated the Girl's Weekend in Vegas, when I danced, my knees hurt. So why would I think I could go out and run 10k, 6.2 miles using these same knees without taking precautions?!?
Today I got a few prescription strength pain killers and muscle relaxants to get me through this, but I wonder if there's a drug to help with missing common sense?
Anyway, I will recover soon and I'm already thinking about running the Colorado Springs "Peak Challenge" this weekend. (do not apply common sense when reading that). Yes, that gives me 3 days to rest and recover before I try this 10k running thing again. What can I say, I like to run! Hopefully I will be recovered by Saturday, and fully recovered before leaving for Paris.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Remember when I wrote about having bad knees? Well, it's true, my knees started hurting after about 3o minutes or almost at the 3 mile point, but I kept running (most of the race). It took us about 1 hour to finish. Eventhough I sit here in pain right now, I loved the run! Hopefully I will keep up with my fitness, and maybe my knees will get stronger. (wishful thinking)
Here's the race link, if you want proof that I actually finished.
Also, this evening had a great dinner with my supervisor Barry and his wife. He's really sorry that I could not continue to wait for the German budget approval, but he's also happy (and his wife) that I have decided to follow my dream. They wanted to take me out to dinner one last time, before I leave. He and his wife are a few of the absolute nicest people in Colorado Springs. This world would be heaven on earth if all the people in the world were as kind as they are.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Tomorrow is Memorial Day, and I will be running the 10K Bolder Boulder Race in Boulder Colorado with my friend Jamie. Am I crazy or what? Yes, she's fit, I'm crazy. I haven't run in about a month, now I'm going to run 10k (6 miles?!) in the ALTITUDE!?!
By the way, that is NOT me in the photo (surprise huh?), it is last year's winner. What an inspiration! I hope to keep up my fitness program after the run. This will be a jump-start back into fitness. Hopefully I will keep it up, even after I get to Paris.
Wish me luck...and have a Happy Memorial Day!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I am slowly sorting through all my stuff…shirts, sweaters, tanks, tees, jeans, slacks, shorts, capri’s, sandals, boots, flats, pumps, sneakers, coats, jackets, scarves, gloves, hats and handbags….they are all in their piles on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be selected to go, to be donated, or to be stored in reserve to take to Paris in January.
There’s no way I can carry all my summer, fall and winter clothes to Paris in one trip, without excess baggage, so I will have a small reserve of clothes, shoes, coats and files that will fit into the back of my truck. (the truck goes to Vegas for a year, until I decide if I still need it, or not).
That remaining “stuff” will go to Paris on my trip back after the Christmas and New Year holiday. After that, I will only have the things I own in Paris and my household items in storage in Colorado. My stuff will become more managable and no longer spread out in three places.
I’m feeling better as it is all getting under control. After it's all sorted out, only my “precious possessions” will be with me, that is all that will surround me.
I am moving towards order in my life – and order is heaven’s first law.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Clutterers Anonymous (CLA) is a twelve-step program for people who share a common problem with accumulation of clutter. CLA does not exist to provide housekeeping hints, tips on sorting and filing, or lectures on time management. Rather, CLA focuses on the underlying issues made manifest by unnecessary physical and emotional clutter.
As of 2005 CLA was active in over fifty cities in America across seventeen states. The only requirement for membership is a desire to eliminate clutter and bring order into one's life. Clutterers Anonymous replaces "powerless over alcohol" in the First Step of the Twelve Suggested Steps originally developed by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) with "powerless over our clutter." CLA was founded in May of 1989 in Simi Valley, California.
Some believe that cluttering behavior can be symptomatic of deeper issues. Problem clutterers are more likely to have depression, mania, OCD or ADHD. Any of these disorders can be co-morbid with compulsive hoarding.
Others attribute cluttering to the human desire to hunt and gather, while still others describe it as a consequence of over-consumption. Some members of CLA describe the inability to let go of objects as a consequence of spiritual emptiness.
Unlike alcoholism, addiction, or depression, cluttering is rarely lethal (although serious injury or death can occur from clutter-related accidental trips, falls or fires), but it can have other devastating consequences. In extreme cases, clutterers have been evicted from dwellings, lost custody of children, or have even been jailed for violations of building, health or fire codes.
The CLA approved literature includes the two fundamental texts of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Alcoholics Anonymous (the so-called "Big Book") and the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions as well as eight CLA specific pamphlets. At meetings, CLA members read directly from both books replacing the word "alcoholic" with "clutterer."
Clutterers Anonymous is not associated with Messies Anonymous, a support group founded by Sandra Felton, utilizing her copyrighted publications and not based upon the Twelve Steps of AA.
Today I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “I’m going to move to Paris, to live out my dream; I should be excited and happy….” but instead, I am stressed out because of all the clothes, shoes, scarves, boots, coats, sweaters, p.j.s (yes, I have enough sleepwear and socks for half the girls in Oprah’s school in Africa, not to mention enough panties and bras for all the female teachers!)…all over my bedroom floor.
I am still trying to figure out how much “stuff” to take to Paris? How much will be excess baggage? Should I leave some ”stuff” in Vegas with my family….wouldn’t that just be spreading my “stuff” around but not really solving the problem?
I know I will find a solution, because things always seem to work out…we’ll see.
New Affirmation: From the book: “The Game of Life”
I cast this burden on the Christ within and I go free.
I know, It seems crazy that with the economy so bad right now, I have resigned from a “potentially” great job in Germany with benefits, retirement and great pay to pack a few suitcases and move to Paris...to "Just Live." This is my DREAM.
But really, I have given it a lot of thought and I believe in my heart that I truly “belong” in Paris. I still do not know exactly why I feel so “led” to live in Paris, but I think it is my “calling”. The reality is that the great contractor job can easily end anytime with just a few words: “We’re sorry but we had to cut you from the contract……” I've seen it happen. How much more time should I have wasted, putting off my dream? Many people live their life without ever experiencing the dream put inside of them.
I believe I can get another “job” if I really need. Also, I am still getting positive “signs’ from “That Something” in my life that tells me this is the Divine right thing to do in my life at this time. On Tuesday the 19th, I felt led to write out the affirmation I posted, and the next day at work, Wednesday the 20th, by chance I ran into an old friend, Myra at work, I told her I resigned from my job and was stepping out on Faith and moving to Paris. Then she started telling me about a book she was reading that corresponded exactly to what I was telling her about Faith. She told me to get the book called” The Game of Life”, by Florence Shinn. I got chills when she told me the author’s name was Florence. Was that a coincidence?
I bought the book and as I read it, I was sure of another sign, when I found the example of a daughter going on a trip where the mother did not approve. The mother feared the trip was dangerous. I don’t think my mother has that fear, but for whatever reason, she does not support me in following my dream. The first thing author tells the mother is: “ You are forcing your personal will upon your daughter, which you have no right to do, and your fear of the trip is only attracting it, for man attracts what he fears. Let go, and take your mental hands off; put it in God’s Hands, and use this statement:”
Here is the affirmation that followed:
"I put this situation in the hands of Infinite Love and Wisdom;
if this trip is the Divine plan, I bless it and no longer resist,
but if it is not divinely planned,
I give thanks that it is now dissolved and dissipated.”
In the book, the daughter’s trip was dissolved. I feel like I was led to this affirmation because it is also used to bless the Divine trip which I believe is mine and release me from the mental enforcement place on me. I needed to read that, because I feel like my mother also tries to force her personal will on me. I needed to know that she (nor anyone else) has the right to do that. I needed to hear someone stand up to her and say, “Take your mental hands off”.
Take your mental hands off! I need to be Free to follow this dream.
To the Rock Called Fear: KA-BOOM!! To the little pieces that try to stop me, I say: "KA-POW!"
I will keep writing…
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I am in Paris, Living the Life of Luxury with Friends,
My True Love, Wonderful Relationships & Family.
We have Strength, Beauty and Health.
We Experience Amazing Food, Drinks, Travel , Adventure
Love and Financial Freedom.
We are Generous and Blessed.
I Just Live...
Sat 16 May 2009, It’s actually 4 AM on Sunday morning, 17 May. I just got back to our room at the Bellagio, where we are staying, but I have to capture Saturday, since it has continued on into Sunday morning….Still celebrating “Girls Nite out in Vegas!”
I want to live in a beautiful apartment in Paris where my friends and family can visit in Luxury (like our hotel room) Our Room...
I want a French or European boyfriend or Canadian or American...I want it all and I want him to share it with.
The second thing he writes about “Mr. Touchy-Feely” is, “ We men are very simple people: if we like what we see, we’re coming over there If we don’t want anything from you, we’re not coming over there. Period” Pg. 64
Cirque du Soleil show Zumanity, very funny, sensual, definitely Adult…but very entertaining. A wonderful Saturday in Vegas.
Friday, 15 May 2009 was an AWESOME day! This is the day that my letter of resignation is dated, declaring resignation from my job effective 31 May 2009. I’m in Las Vegas Today….Celebrating!
I joined my friend Jamie for a “Girls Night Out….In LAS VEGAS!!” to celebrate! I called in to work “sick”, stayed at home to pack, clean up a little, and washed my hair. I ran out of time to get a manicure and pedicure before heading to the airport so I actually had to paint my nails at the airport during the 1 hour delay. (Who paints their toes in an airport? Answer: I do, but ya know...they really should have salons in the airports for people like me!)
So it’s off to Vegas from Colorado today to meet Jamie, Ellen, Heidi, Brenda, and Mary at our hotel, the Bellagio. Oh what a beautiful place! What a way to start a celebration of Birthdays (Jaime's turning the big 4-0) and the rest of my life….
It is said that what happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas, So I gotta hurry up and write about what happened tonight, while I am still staying here in Vegas at fabulicious hotel.
Since my flight was late getting in, I met the girls for the last part of dinner at the Bellagio Restaurant called Sensi. Then we all split up to go shopping and site seeing for a few hours before we met again to see the delicious men of “Thunder Down Under”. I skipped shopping and site seeing (did I mention that I am from Las Vegas...so this is home, in a whole new perspective) and instead I took the time to go to the room, shower and rest before we all headed out for the 11PM Australian all male dancer show. It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G….I’m in love with Randy, He was one of the dancers, He calls me “Chocolate-Girl”, and he’s in love with me too…he doesn’t know it yet…ahhh, talk about Thunda!? OMG. Down under there...(Okay, the rest of the story stays in Vegas)
After “Thunder”, we had some VIP passes to a club called LAX……LOTS OF FUN!! We danced, and danced and danced…..Okay, the only thing I wanna know here, is why do reeeeeeallly, reeeeeeeallly, reeeeallllly, good looking guys who are dancing with you think that they can put their hands all over you?! True, 7, okay maybe 20 years ago, I would have loved it, but tonight….now that I am more mature, living my True life, I don’t much like a strange man touching my hands and putting…correction, attempting to put his hands all over me….(he tried very hard) But once I got him trained on the commands “Back Off”, “Hands Off”. “Ohhh, Woahhh doggie, No! No! No!” I was about to say “Sit!”, but figured that would not be an appropriate command to teach him at the moment…, we had a GREAT time.
Then wouldn’t you know, as soon as he was fully trained and obedient two then three women came to us putting their hands all over HIM!?! Whaaaa?! He ignored them….totally! Okay, He looked at them for a minute then looked at me, I looked at him, He looked at me and he actually “Stayed”, They walked away….I didn’t even teach him the “Stay” command. Anyways, I forgot his name, but he was so tall dark and handsome, with a body of biceps, nice jeans, nice shoes and a shirt that showed STRONG ARMS and a big ol’ chest fulla muscle. Oh if only we did not meet in a club in Vegas, he would have had my cell phone number, my email, my date of birth, my passport number, my waist measurement, basically every number I could think to give him….. you get the picture…, but I couldn’t even try to believe that we were met for anything more than just havin’ fun for the night on the dance floor…oh but what a hunk of a hunk of a man was he!
Oh, speaking of dancing….remember when I wrote about rhythm? (specifically, lack of it) Well, I fully realize now, that rhythm it’s not a part of my way of moving to anything with a beat. And to make matters worse, when there’s a good looking, tall dark and handsome guy trying to touch every part of me at the same time, making me dizzy with his dazzling white smile, rhythm is just no where to be found! So needless to say, I really feel sorry for any man who wants to dance with me, because I’m like a box of chocolates on the dance floor….We never know what we’re gonna get….Seeing my rhythm-less body in motion, he even sympathetically moved in close and whispered in my ear, “Just follow my lead.” Oh, we were NOT even slow dancing!
What happened to my rhythm? Where did it go? I know I used to have some, back in the day? Does it run out as we get older? I think I really need dance lessons. I wonder if I’ll have time to take a few before I go dancing in Paris. Or will they even notice in Paris? Maybe they will think I have some new moves from the United States...as I flail my body around? We’ll see….
So, it’s 4AM and I had to tell Mr. Canada (yeah, he said he was from Canada) that I had to go meet the girls. He looked surprised as he asked ,” Whaaat? You want to go with your girlfriends?”, We had been dancing 2 or 3 hours STRAIGHT (He was an AMAZING dancer…I could not keep up) So he walked me off the dance floor. I didn’t want to tell him the truth but really, after dancing for 2 or almost 3 hours straight, my left knee was starting to hurt. I know that sound really old and lame huh? Oh, sad, but so true…I’m getting old and I must have a trick knee too? Well, he will never know. But my knee is better now.
Tomorrow, we will all have breakfast, shop some more, hang out by the pool and see another show. I’m looking forward to just hangin out by the pool with the new Steve Harvey book : “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. Maybe somewhere in the book, I will find the answer to my question about touchy, feely Mr Hunka Hunka Canadian man….
Returning to hotel room (solo) ...5AM, after night at LAX
(is the picture blurry? or is it just me?)
I can’t post this yet, because I haven’t told my family that I’m in Vegas, and my younger sister knows about this blog so I don’t want her to read this and find out that I'm "home". So I will have to post this after I tell my family I’m here. It’s 5:14 AM as I write this, so I gotta get some Zzzzzzz…
Friday, May 15, 2009
On Wednesday (yesterday), My supervisor asked me if I had any idea about what I was going to do, when I was going to do it and if I wanted to stay with the company.
Funny, seems like he's on the other end of the stick now, waiting for me to give a date. He called me in his office and explained to me that basically the "higher-ups", were really anxious to know if I was going to stay or leave because they are in the middle of reallocating the budget, and if I knew that I was going to leave, then they could basically divy up my salary to other employees in the form of various raises....
"Wow!?" was my only thought...funny, now that I write about it.
So I said, "Don't worry, I have a letter prepared and I will send it to you right now." So, I did it....on Wednesday, I emailed my resignation letter to the company recruiter and I courtesy copied my supervisor. Now I can go to Paris, and others can have their raises…This might turn out to be a real Win-Win situation for all!
I leave for Paris to live my dream - The employees at my company get a raise!
C'est la vie! - That's Life!
Here, the letter:
(I will cut and paste it later…I promise)
After I hit the send button, I felt like a ton of bricks were lifted off my shoulders. I actually went in the women's restroom and danced! First I danced in the handicapped stall, but there wasn't enough room in there to move my arms like I wanted without hitting the door, so I came out of the stall and danced like a funky chicken...it was more like a chicken trying to fly, but I danced with a big ol' grin on my face...shaking my booty to the tune of, I quit my job and I'm going to Paris dee dee daaa! Thank God, no one came in the restroom, I’m sure they would have called 9-1-1! I pulled myself together after wondering...is it possible to have no rhythm if there's no music playing? Hmmmm, if you dance when there's no music playing and no one else is around to see it, does rhythm really exist? Anyway, I was happy!
As I was walking down the hall, back to my office, I felt a few little pebbles from the Rock Called Fear...moving around in the pit of my stomach. Am I crazy? What have I done? Then I took a deep breath, visualized where I was going (to Paris) and I knew I did the right thing, I am headed in the right direction for me at this moment. It’s my decision. The pebbles of fear dissolved in my stomach......
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
He asked me, " When"? Did I have a date? That's pretty funny to ask since that's the same question I have been waiting for "them" to answer since hiring me in November for Germany. "Do you have a date?"
I told him possibly, maybe, I might be pretty sure it will be somewhere around the end of this month, 31 May, I think.
The truth is, my last day WILL be 31 May, and my flight to Paris leaves 11 Jun from Vegas.
Tomorrow, I might just decide to face the truth , Live in reality and give the company my letter of resignation.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Here are two great sites to find an apartment in Paris:
I feel little pebbles under my feet.
To match their negative conversation, I in turn spoke in a way that we were all talking on the same frequency. I didn’t have it in me anymore to be the positive hero for the underdog. I matched the frequency of two I was with and blended in with negative words and pessimistic thoughts. We were all as one, in agreement. Then I realized where I was in the moment. We reached one accord of dark energy. We were heavy, pessimistic and in agreement. Immediately I did not like where I was, I felt sick! That’s when I realized that I have been too close to negative people without guarding my own positive, happy, hopeful, kind, and optimistic energy.
These people seem to be naturally heavy, pessimistic, unhappy, discontent, and sarcastic. This is not a place I want to visit anymore. This is now a place where I belong.
Today I decided that I cannot spend more than 5 or 10 minutes associating with unhappy people. I say 5 or 10 minutes maximum time, because I cannot avoid them completely. (Not until I leave for Paris) I will be nice, but I cannot dwell in their presence. It brings me down.
I wonder if this experience has any relation with my decision to move forward with following my dream of "Just Living in Paris"? (My dream has a title now..."Just Living in Paris")
I wonder...Has my decision moved put me on a different frequency than I was living on before? Now when I am beside the old frequency, it doesn’t match where I am today. For me, there’s no longer any harmony around these people and I feel uncomfortable, uneasy, heavy, unhappy, anxious and sick.
I don’t know for sure, but I do know that for me, it doesn’t feel good to be around unhappy, negative, burdened, sarcastic people where there is no joy or laughter. Maybe this is part of my change?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Here's my flight confirmation...this really is the beginning of my Dream! I can't believe that I am actually going to move to Paris and live there!? Actually live there, not as a student, but as....OMG "An American in Paris!" (I feel little pebbles from the crumbling Rock called Fear, they are not big enough to stop me...)
Passenger(s): FLORENCE ...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Departure (LAS): June 10, 11:05 AM
Seat is confirmed/
Paris Ch. De Gaulle
Arrival (CDG): June 11, 10:05 AM CEST (morning)
I am not going to get too excited becuase there are still quite a few things I need to tie up...
This week also I must resign from my job and confirm my apartment in Paris...I hope they are still holding the apartment for me.
I also need to re-finance my house to lower the mortgage! Then Sell or Rent it...
Then I have to figure out how to get 3 seasons of clothes in just 3 pieces of luggage.
The story continues....
I told my mom that I’m going to Paris…for sure. For her, this is not a nice pleasant thing to talk about. This is my dream that she does not support or encourage. I wish she did but I have to thank God for the challenges of non-support and the “Rocks” in my life like this, because without these, I would not be able to find the place where my strength lives inside of me.
One thing my mother always reminds me of is: “God bless the chil’ that’s got its’ own, God bless those who can do for themselves...”
I pray that God will bless me as I move towards living my Dream. I thank God that I have so many supportive and loving friends and “other” family members that are supportive. I will replace the null words of encouragement I get from my mother with all the wonderful, supportive, loving, caring, friendly, encouraging, positive, kind, sweet and gentle words I get from so many special friends in my life.
Here are their various words of encouragement on moving to Paris:
1. Hurry up and get your ass over here!
2. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
3. Sorry you are stressed about your potential move.
4. Wahouu, THAT is a decision !
5. It’s good to see that you are realizing your dream
6. It’s OK to meet you at the airport, But can you tell me le date….I Kiss You
7. OMG that’s wonderful! I’m so jealous…
8. What are you doing ?, we are the 15th of April, you should already be here :-)
9. Just think, 6 months ago you had never heard of this job (to quit). And your financial situation is better now than it was then. Carpe diem – if Paris is what you want
10. Oh, I am going to dream about you tonight…living your dreams!
11. Most people never get the opportunity to live their dreams
12. Stop over-analyzing and go!
13. Stop thinking so much about money…you can’t put a price on your dreams!
14. Basically, what you express are your feelings and fears linked to the "extraordinary" things you wanna do.
15. You're a woman with balls.
16. Look at all these "extraordinary" things you did and are doing in your life
17. Paris will work out well as you carry now the experience of last time…
18. The availability of the apartment in PARIS has been confirmed for a period of 6 months and the owner is holding the property for you for the next 48 hours
19. That’s so exciting to be in a position to make your dreams come true!
20. If this is your dream why not do it?
21. Cut to the chase & cut through the angst.
22. Many want to do what you are doing but you have prior experience and language skills + banking & real estate experience.
23. You are 100% ahead of all the other dreamers :-)
24. Florence, great idea. Live your dreams, baby!!!
25. I understand and applaud! your efforts.
26. Nothing is forever, so no worries, just go with your gut - remember the carport vs. the garage decisions.
27. Stick to what you know is right and you can't go wrong.
28. This e-mail confirms the ticket number(s) issued for the "Paris 6/10/09" trip
29. Wow, go live your dreams!
30. You're life is so exciting, you should write a book!
31. You are a brave woman! I couldn't do what you are doing.
32. I want to do what you're doing!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Listen by clicking the link or Read the lyrics below...
Strength, Courage, and Wisdom by India Arie
Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun.
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long...
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show' Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow.
Always putting off my living for tomorrow.
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith.
It's been illusive for so long, but freedom is mine today.
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my faith.
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found...
Strength, courage, and wisdom,
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom.
Inside of me.
Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility.
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice.
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice'
Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing.
Running too fast to stop and listen...
It's time to step out on faith,
I've gotta show my faith..
It's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today.
I've gotta step out on faith, it's time to show my faith.
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found...
I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see,
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart.
I know that Anything I want can be,
so let it be, so let it be...
Strength, courage, and wisdom.
It's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, wisdom.
It's been inside of me all along, everyday I'm praying for....
I found it in me, I found it finally...
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it,
I say thank you
Hey B -
I am still stressing about making the "Change". I cannot write exactly about it, since I am at work using the computer. I have to tell this job about my decision soon, because I might have to stay for 2 weeks AFTER I tell them (I’m going to resign)...this is normal, but more and more I realize that I should not be so afraid, because I am the kind of person that will survive...okay, sometimes I need help to survive but so far, all the BIG problems are solved. This weekend I plan to book my flight. I have decided on 15 Jun. After talking to my friend (New York), she helped me realize that there is nothing really standing in the way of me and my DREAM, except for the imaginary obstacles I am putting there (The Rock Called Fear). I told her I wanted to wait for the job in Germany and then in 3 years, I would move from Germany to Paris. She helped me see that I have already waited more than 20 years in the military for my dream and now I am saying I want to wait 3 more years! When the "reality" is my DREAM is already waiting for me, I just need to use some courage to reach out for it, even though I do not really know how I will make it in Paris. Adrian still has a job for me and the job involves REAL ESTATE (she’s been telling me to hurry up and return)...B, you already know my passion for Real Estate and you also know my other passion is Paris! They are BOTH sitting there just waiting for me to find the courage to take the chance....of course I still have the other passion for a great man/boyfriend/husband/partner in my life...but maybe that will happen after I take the first step of really moving....and this time not just a temporary move like last year. Last year in Paris was like a "trial period" I think it's time for me to now make the permanent commitment. I know you agree....right? This commitment to moving and changing my life and taking a chance is kinda like my decision to get married. I've avoided it, because it takes courage, trust, and a leap of faith. Maybe moving to Paris will help with this part of my life too? Who knows? We'll see...
Yes, we’ll see…maybe I will start a book like B has suggested….
I was getting nauseous just listening to the ink gun and watching her pat away the little drops of blood from grandma’s ankle.
As I was explaining to Jeff (the other tattoo artist), who was outside Maria’s office I only wanted one star, but I know how people seem to be addicted to getting more than one, the grandma hopped out on one foot and said, “YES, they are very addicting!” That's when she told me, “This is my 4th one!...and I can’t stop!”
Jeff immediately asked me to fill out the paperwork. I began to get hot flashes as I wrote my name, answered a few questions and signed the form. They were giving me a discount price of $50 instead of their normal minimum of $75. How could I refuse?
Maria finally came over with the template to draw my star, but she took to long doing whatever she was doing, as several "addicts" with tattoo's on arms, ribs, necks and legs, came in wanting more "ink", I stood there getting hotter and dizzy. When she finally came back to show me the star design, I told her, I wasn’t feeling well. She told me to have a seat, but surrounded by all the tattoo pictures, posters, magazines, and all the customers in the the lobby and coming in the door covered with tattoos everywhere and still wanting more, I knew I had to leave. I told her to keep the paper work, as if I was doing her a favor and I would have to come back later.
She told me to come back next Friday at 5:30 and she could do it right away so I wouldn’t have to wait….I said okay as I ran for the door, but I won’t be back.
I went to Panera Bread and ordered a piece of cake and a cup of coffee, but I couldn’t enjoy either because my stomach was still upset. As I sat in Panara Bread with my laptop, I researched tattoo addiction on the internet and it looks like they really are addictive. No one really seems to know exactly why, but more often than not, when a person gets one, they will want another and some are covered before they realize what happened.
Thanks for the warning grandma and I suppose I should thank Cmdr Makee too. My final decision for this vessel is No Thanks to the Star Tattoo. I don’t need to start an addiction right now at this point of my journey.
1. Get a star tattoo on my wrist
2. Color my hair 2 tones, light and dark brown
3. Cut my hair and wear it short and au natural
A few years ago when I wanted to get a tattoo while living in Florida, the men in my office talked me out of it. They even introduced me to the term “Tramp Stamp”. Yesterday the men in my office here in Colorado told me what they thought of tattoos on women. They did not like them on women, nor do they have any tattoos of their own.
I want a tattoo. So do I take the advice of these men who should not have any control over my life decision because they each have their own wives to control? Do I follow my own desire and do what I want to do, or do I follow their advice and rebuking? (Cmdr Makee)
When will I begin to live my own life if I am always living under the values, opinions and control of others? Cmdr Makee was especially adamant that I would regret if I got one, but I would thank him later in life if I did not get one. Even one young lady looked at my ink drawn tattoo that I like and told me that it was too big and that I would not like it when it was done. She told me I should make it smaller like the one she had on her foot. I considered her opinion, but I think her tattoo is too small and I like the size I have drawn.
In the end, I will consider everyone’s opinion, but I know that I must make my own decision and move in the direction of my own desires, otherwise I will continue to suppress the true me and my true desires in order to satisfy the desires of others. And this journey is about following my dreams. Not my co-workers, not my friends, not my mother's...
I am realizing more and more that someone must be the Captain of this vessel called my Life, and it’s beginning to look more and more like the most qualified to control my vessel is me!
In the past, I tried to please the others, but things are changing now. I am taking control my life. I will consider others opinions, but in the end, I make the final decision.
Thank you all for your opinions. I have decided that I am going to get my tattoo before I go to Paris.
The biggest fear comes from the little girl that still lives inside of me. She fears the people (her mommy) who will not “approve” of her going off to live in Paris, so far away. She fears they will say, “Who does she think she is?” And she wants to say to them, “I’m nobody really, don’t feel bad, I’m nobody, and I can prove it. I will suppress who I am and I will try to be something less-than so that you will approve of me”. The little girl inside wants everybody around her to feel secure and happy even at the expense of her own happiness.
I’m afraid to truly consider what is best for me and my life, because I don’t know how. I never really have. My happiness has never come first. I have never known how to move in the direction of what’s best for me. These decisions have been made for me by others. Now it’s my turn and I’m afraid to take the first step. I sit here waiting for another government job to send me where they want me, when they want to, because I don’t know how to go where I want to go. Even when the opportunity is standing right in front of my face.
I am face to face with my true happiness which comes from the core of who I am, but I have ignored that part of me for so long, I am afraid to believe that something really good could happen, in my life. I am afraid to believe it’s possible.
Right now, I can only begin to move confidently in the direction of my dreams and my passion. I will need Faith. This is what my journey is about. I will Live and Let Live and I hope others can do the same.
I can see cracks starting to form in the Rock I call Fear.
What if quitting this job I have now is not the right decision? Especially in this economy where so many are losing jobs and their homes. Am I crazy?
Reality Says: The Truth is I know deep in my heart and soul that this really is the right thing for the soul of who I am. My soul ( the deepest part of me) knows that Paris really is the place for me. I don’t know why, but I know in my soul, that somehow, I “belong” in Paris, and for some reason, I really must "be there". The Spirit of Paris “calls” me. I have to go and find out what She wants.
My fear also asks me what if it all doesn't work out? What if I can’t make it in Paris financially?
But Reality Says: The Truth is I know that there are many other things I am capable of doing. I know that I am ambitious, intelligent, and resourceful. I will make it financially. I must!
The Rock called Fear is beginning to crumble.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
2. Resign from my Job
3. Pay taxes? (Yes, I am still waiting for the final numbers from my accountant in Florida!)
4. Organize my Investment rental property finances (I can do this in Paris, but it would be nice to have it organized before I leave)
5. Change most of my mail and bills to online statements (so Robin, won’t have to keep forwarding my mail to me)
6. Purge excess clothing and stuff that I won’t need (I admire how little clutter most of my friends in Paris have…of course they don’t have half the storage space we have here in the US either…maybe they would have more stuff if they had more space?)
7. Buy extra luggage (Hey, my plan is to live in Paris for a year, I need 2 seasons of clothes….don’t laugh.)
8. Check on my health insurance coverage in France
So that’s my 8 Step list of things to do before going to Paris. I will let you know how I progress.
My "problem" is that I must first be cordial and quit my job. I've never been the one to quit anything. Even in bad relationships with the men I have dated, I was never the one to walk away in a clear cut affiramitive, it's over kind of way. This situation is like being in a relationship that just isn't working for me, but I haven't figured out how to let it go, stop waffeling, and move on even when I know there is a possibility that something better is waiting over the horizon. Like Max used to say, I'm "Wishy-washy". Why is this so difficult? It's that Rock called Fear, just sitting there in my way.
The job I have now is a great job, with wonderful co-workers who are all like family. I’m not just writing this because a blog is public and they may read it one day. Honestly, I could not ask for a better group of co-workers and a better company to work for. They have done a lot for me as far as training, learning opportunities, and a salary in this challenging economy. I was hired in July of last year (2008) for a position in Germany. I accepted the job because my ultimate goal in life was to live in Paris, and this job was only a 3 hour train ride to the city of my dreams.
However, as of today (May 8th 2009), they have not come through with their end of the bargain, and here I sit in limbo since returning to Colorado in November to start the training and transfer process, waiting for the move to Germany.
I was selected for this job in July 2008, and November 2008 is actually when they called me back from Paris last year to start the in-process procedure, with the promise that I would be in Germany by December 2008. So this is how my situation reflects a relationship that is not in line with my dreams anymore. I decided that I needed to draw the line somewhere. I picked mid-May to make my decision and I think we have crossed the line and now the ball is in my court.
With the ball in my court, it's time for me to take action for my own life, instead of waiting for others and leaving my life under the control and authority of this company. The problem with this is that most of my life, and after 20 years in the Air Force, others have made the decisons of my life for me. Now it's my turn to decide what's best for me and move in the direction of my dream.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe the reason I have been in limbo so long is because this is not the job for me. Maybe it is not the path I am really, really suppose to take?
I know that when I seem to be on the “right” path for my life, things seem to flow effortlessly. My life right now is not flowing effortlessly, every step of working this transfer to Germany has not been smooth….I believe I need to flow on over to Paris! Keep reading my blog and follow me.
Well that’s my decision for today...I will move to Paris. So far I have not made any concrete efforts to move in that direction. Actually, I have hired a realtor to put my house on the market for rent or sale, whichever comes first. In this economy, I think it will rent much faster than it will sale.
Okay, I will end now becuase I was reading that a good blog is a short blog, so I will try to keep them short.
Bottom line for today: I did not book my flight to Paris yet and I have not given my resignation from my job yet. (But I have made the decision to move) The flight and a resignation letter are my top 2 Things to Do, so when I accomplish them, you will know that I am really moving in the direction of my dreams.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Today, my friend/therapist "New York" has helped me see things from a new perspective. She helped me recognize and define this fear. She asked me if I knew why it was sitting there, right between me and the True desire of my heart. I asked her, "Who put it there?"
"New York" helped me to see, that I put it there, but the question, she asked is why? What is this Rock called Fear? Could it be the fear of no longer being: "This is Florence, she's nothing, she doesn't matter."? Could it be the fear of letting go and moving away from the structure, conformity, and expectations of others? (mom? military structure?)
This dream is MINE. This dream to live in Paris comes from the inside of who I am. It was born inside the core of who I am. It is filled with joy, passion and excitement.
For so many years, I have dreamed of living in Paris. This dream calls me, and I MUST go live it. I can't explain it. I can't explain why. I don't understand it and I don't understand why, but I believe I must have faith and follow my heart. I feel led to be there...
Today, there's not much in reality that stands in the way of making this dream a reality, except for the big rock, called Fear that I manifest to be there...blocking my way.
Follow me as I examine the rock, define it, then move it out of my way so I can move forward to the path of my dreams, the life that waits for me in Paris. Today is the first day of this journey. I am Breaking Free. I have no idea what the future holds, I only know that right now...The rock still sits here, but I know it won't be for long.