Sunday, May 10, 2009

My Biggest Fear of Following my Dream Defined

So what is the biggest fear that is stalling me? Why am I delaying? My dream is waiting; the dream of a lifetime, and yet I stall because of “what if’s”….

The biggest fear comes from the little girl that still lives inside of me. She fears the people (her mommy) who will not “approve” of her going off to live in Paris, so far away. She fears they will say, “Who does she think she is?” And she wants to say to them, “I’m nobody really, don’t feel bad, I’m nobody, and I can prove it. I will suppress who I am and I will try to be something less-than so that you will approve of me”. The little girl inside wants everybody around her to feel secure and happy even at the expense of her own happiness.

I’m afraid to truly consider what is best for me and my life, because I don’t know how. I never really have. My happiness has never come first. I have never known how to move in the direction of what’s best for me. These decisions have been made for me by others. Now it’s my turn and I’m afraid to take the first step. I sit here waiting for another government job to send me where they want me, when they want to, because I don’t know how to go where I want to go. Even when the opportunity is standing right in front of my face.

I am face to face with my true happiness which comes from the core of who I am, but I have ignored that part of me for so long, I am afraid to believe that something really good could happen, in my life. I am afraid to believe it’s possible.

Right now, I can only begin to move confidently in the direction of my dreams and my passion. I will need Faith. This is what my journey is about. I will Live and Let Live and I hope others can do the same.

I can see cracks starting to form in the Rock I call Fear.

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