Saturday, May 30, 2009

Mixed Feelings

Today is my official last day of work. I have mixed feelings. Today is also Jay Leno’s last night of hosting The Tonight Show. I wonder what he plans to do?

Thoughts fueled with depression are waiting to take up residency in my mind. I see that they want to bring me down and fill me with heavy sadness, asking me if I’m crazy to have given up the security of a government job, with benefits, insurance and a retirement plan. Those same thoughts are pointing out all the unorganized papers and clothes that surround me. Suggesting that I’m pathetic because I did not accomplish getting them sorted and organized like I had planned.

The thoughts of depression are waiting to fill in the spaces of my mind that were once occupied with thoughts of what will I wear to work today...a skirt or pants?, what are my priorities for the "To Do" list today?, what are the N. Koreans up to now?, how was my co-workers weekend?, who would I eat lunch with today? and I wonder if anyone brought in doughtnuts this morning?

The thoughts fueled with depression remind me that the rental furniture is scheduled to be picked up tomorrow and I’m not ready. I’m not organized yet. Life is scheduled to run me over…Depression is waiting for me to let the negative thoughts in so that they can replace the joy waiting to greet me.

It’s times like this when I depend on my best friend B. I complain to him and he always seems to have the right words to share that stomp out the negative thoughts. He seems to easily point out the good in my life and the good in the world. He remindes me of how really blessed we are, and he might even comment that the people in Afghanstan have no furniture, much less the option to rent. Nor do they have an idea of the opportunity to live in Paris. He makes me happy again at times like this. But now I realize that I cannot always depend on someone else to pull me away from my own thoughts.

So tonight, instead of calling on B, I am going to turn my back on the depressing thoughts and focus on the Light that I know exists inside of me. The Light that is guiding me through this journey called Life. For me, the Light is God, it's that “Something” that guides me, my Guardian Angel,…I don’t know exactly how this Higher Power works, but I do know that it exists in my life. It’s a more Positive perspective, that shines light on depressing dark thoughts and they dissolve.

When I choose to focus on my life from the Positive perspective, I see the good. I see the light of hope, and I find joy in the adventure of just living. I have faith again. I realize that today is just one day (my last official day of employment) that I have to get through in order to move toward the wonderful adventure that waits for me in Paris.

I am not sure that my life will be a success in Paris, but who really has any guarantees of success in life? I know that I can choose to be happy, hopeful and joyous right now, (even with the unorganized, unsorted papers and clothes that surround me) and that is what I am going to choose right now.

Who cares if the clothes and papers did not get organized today? I still have my health, hope and a dream inside of me. I can organize the stuff tomorrow...when I feel like it. Who cares if the furniture is scheduled to be picked up tomorrow? I could change that with a phone call if I want to, but I don’t want to. I have to prepare to move forward.

Sometimes there will be dark clouds over my head. That’s part of nature and part of life, but they too shall pass and the sun will shine again.

I will not let the depressing thoughts stay in my mind. Today I registered for the Colorado “Reach Your Peak 4 mile Run” for tomorrow instead of the 10K. It’s just a little longer than a 5k and I plan to walk if I have to. My knees are feeling better with no drugs today and I also bought a knee support brace for tomorrow’s run. Wish me luck!

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