Drawing the Line

Today I am very sad for Michael Jackson.

(Aujourd'hui, je suis très triste pour Michael Jackson.)
His life Began and now has Ended. In my life, sometimes I don’t know where I begin.

I’m still trying to figure it out and get into focus. I’ve decided that the next chapter will not be erotic after all, because that is where Benny begins and that’s not me.
I am blogging about my life in Paris, following my dream and watching life unfold. Maybe that is where I truly begin.

Benny reads my blog, knows my life, knows me, (and knows his girlfriend too), yet he asks me to spice up my blog…for him. The spice that he desires is a distraction to my blog, to my life, to my dream. I’ve decided I need to write about my life but if a little spice just happens to get sprinkled on it, naturally, then I will have spice, but sorry Benny, I cannot “push” the spice for you.

So here’s the truth about the edges of my life where it’s hard to see, is it me or someone else. Where do I begin? This is what’s on the border of the four corners surrounding me now:

Benny, my ex-boyfriend has a girlfriend, but wants to have sex with me in Paris.
Pierre, a French man I once knew (but deleted), has several women surrounding him and wanted me to be another, if I changed my hair, wore a skirt and obeyed him.
Another friend (?) has a wife but writes freaky emails, waiting for me to reply. (Amused, I don’t…why do some men get married, I wonder?)
French men speak compliments and want to teach me French. (I’d rather learn in the schools.)

So today I’ve decided that I must once again, determine where to draw the line…instead of existing with no boundaries, allowing situations to box me in by being “nice”. I realize that now, the line I draw needs to be more like a circle. I will draw a circle around myself, my mind, my body and my soul. I will draw one big circle around myself, as I think, “This is the business of my life, not bullshit…anymore.” That is how I will draw the line with Pierre, Benny, another friend and French men. It’s a circle that must be drawn only by me to define where I begin and where I end.

I imagined asking Benny to help me draw the line, as I rationalized that at times he seems to have my best interest at heart. The circle would indeed be drawn around me, however, there’s a certain part of Benny that he loves to brag about - a certain part of him which would be way too large to keep outside of the circle. So there I would stand - me inside my circle with just a part of him inside too. A part of him that got in the way. A part of him that gets in the way.

I realize that it is best for me to draw the line of where I begin and where I end for myself. The line I draw will be a circle around me. Right here in Paris, by myself, with myself. Me, myself and I alone. A circle around a place where maybe I can “Just Live.”