How can I be unhappy in this place that I love? This is the question I ask myself today. I know that I am not going to be happy every single day of my life here in Paris, so I have decided to look at these times as a little rain on a day in my life.
Most days, I am more than happy...beyond happy, even when doing nothing more than walking down the street, I can hardly keep an awkward smile from my face. Most days, I have enough joy inside to keep the city of Paris lit all night long.
But today, I could feel the shadow of unhappiness following me down the street and back to the office early this morning. "You're such a loser, why didn't you finish the project yesterday? Why are you up so early trying to get a head start on yesterday's failure?" Unhappiness pestered me.
As I entered the office, it seemed like a lonely place to be this morning. Yes, it was beautiful, clean, well organized, nice furnishings, quite with the bright sun shining in the windows, but Lonely. Full of colors, books, plants and lovely things, but Empty. How could some place so beautiful and bright, full of things feel so Lonely and Empty when I arrived? Was it just me? I wondered as I stood still at foyer and looked around. Before I could close the door, Unhappiness managed to step inside and stand right beside me. I opened the windows and ignored him. He stayed with me the whole time.
A co-worker arrived who is also working on the project I needed to finish, but she didn't stay long. She seemed happy although she shared briefly that her morning was going terrible, she had forgotten a few things and on top of it all, she could not get her laptop to work, so she did not bring it with her. I heard some of what she was saying, as I tried to focus on getting my part of the project completed. It was as if she breezed in with the wind and was gone just as quickly. She stayed 1o minutes after explaining her terrible morning, then said she had to leave and would work from home.
I was alone again. Unhappiness stood over me after she left and asked, "Why can't you be like her? She's so much smarter and better than you. She doesn't have to stay here trying to get her work done. You're not good enough for this job."
I finished what I needed to do in a few hours and after emailing out the finished projects, I left early. As I walked down the street, I looked around and noticed that Unhappiness was no longer with me. He must have taken a nap at the office, thinking I would still be struggling with the project, but I figured it out early and was able to leave.
So now, as I am about to go to sleep, Unhappiness crawls into bed next to me and whispers, "You really need to get on the ball. You've been here over a month now and you haven't done one thing towards accomplishing personal goals." He's right, but I'm not going to let him sleep next to me tonight, so I get up to write...
My life is split, and one side of it has been neglected. My own corporation needs to be re-organize, my own properties in the U.S. need to be manage with leases that need my attention, accounts that need to be reviewed. Ongoing issues with attorneys, that still need my attention. (All a part of re-organizing my crippled real estate holdings, still on life support of the failing economy) I've turned my back on my own company in the U.S. and have given most of my attention to the reflection here in Paris. Unhappiness has arrived to remind me of my own stuff too. I can live my Dream here in Paris, but I can't ignore reality, which seems like the easy option sometimes.
I won't sleep with unhappiness tonight, instead, I will replace him with an Action Plan for tomorrow. "Action-Man", yes! that's who I'll sleep with tonight and wake up with tomorrow. (How's that for spice...Benny?) Together we will take care of my business in the U.S., my responsibilities here in Paris and we will also take a step towards turning this Dream into reality, the Divine Idea given to me a few weeks ago that is waiting to be accepted by my soul will soon become my purpose for being in Paris.
So I suppose this visit from Unhappiness is like the rain that must come to water the plants to give life. Unhappiness gets me out of the sunshine and into the shade which is also where I need to be sometimes, but not all the time. Tonight, I welcome the change and challenge away from happiness and bliss, it is a part of my life. C'est la vie. That's life...even with a little unhappiness.