One thing I know for sure, I said to my best friend Benny is that I must control my neediness of men. This is a problem for me because of some kind of insecurity I have." What is it?" I asked him?! "Why do I feel this way with men?" Why do I still have issues with Pierre?
What are my Intentions? This a question I need to ask. It's a question I still need to answer.
There's a longing, like hunger in the pit of my stomach to feel "wanted". It’s sickening. It’s limiting. It is limiting in my relationships, a hindrance to my freedom and sickening to my soul. It seems like I want to "attach" myself to any man in any kind of relationship. Benny agrees as he says, "Maybe you just want to try them all out." I laughed, but still I see my weakness and I see how I try to control, manipulate and "push it" with men, out of the fear.
I push my agenda. (I want to eat here, I want this dress, I want those shoes and will you take me to the beach?) I push my desires...all of them. In my mind, everything is all about me, my, and oh my. Attaching myself. I wish I could and would just stop it, but I am not sure how to change my behavior and control the fear and insecurity. What should I do? I wish I could stop trying to control others, and instead Live and Let Live.”
To "Just Live.” (my motto) would be even better. If only I knew how.
Benny replied, "You ask me a question, and you answer it within your own words.", he said "I cut and paste your own words back to you and when you see them, you think I have given you the answer, and you're happy, but really the answer comes from you."
I can see it clearly now how I am clinging, controlling and compromising. My issue is with Pierre, but maybe it's with Benny too. They both are holding mirrors up for me to see, but will I open my eyes or will I keep dreaming?
What I see in the mirror that Pierre holds up for me makes me sick. Could this be a reason my relationships are not good and healthy, balanced, and True for me right now? Benny responds, "Your relationships have never been good or healthy, so why are you asking about right now?" I wanted to laugh, but when is it not funny anymore?
I see one thing Pierre is teaching me, by not being available, gone away to another country now is that I am not in control. Not of him, not of life, not of anyone.
He has sliced into me with a knife so sharp, I never felt the first cut. I was submissive to him…at times (and in my mind), But why? Am I in over my head? The world is a safer place for me when I get outside of my own mind. In my mind, I would welcome him back to learn more. In my mind I suffer.
And now I wonder, when he cut me open, did he do so to allow the light to shine in on the darkness of my insecurity? Has he left me alone now to heal on my own?
I am healing now, and I see that I am actually okay without the facade of his support, admiration and approval that I thought I needed to breathe in Paris. I thought I needed him to live here. I thought he was real. I see that my life continues today and I am alright with myself, by myself and all alone. I am in Paris, alone now, completely alone (without a man...that is) and I am okay.
Really, I am okay, but a part of me wonders… what about the missing connection now to all the great parties on the Champs Elysee's and the wonderful dinners that will be no more? Isn't that a reason to fear and cling in desperation?
What about now, the lack of affection, missing smiles of approval, and affectionate embraces? What about those hands that wanted to hold mine? What about those hands that were out of control and needed to be restrained? What about the money spent all on me? If all of that is no more, isn't that a reason to fear loneliness? Isn't that a reason to call him? Shouldn't I try to control him...again? Should I try to hold on to his back turned away now? How will I be "valid" without his attention and approval of who I am?
I see now, that as I stand still while the impulse and urge to reach out for an illusion of untruth grows inside and I fear will explode and kill me if I don’t act is okay. It’s okay to just stand still as the hunger grows. It’s okay, because the hunger is just an illusion and cannot be fed in reality anyway. I know that by standing still, the fear will dissolve. I know that if I feed it, I will suffer and it will thrive. If this were another man, any man other than Pierre, I would have made my unsolicited called by now. I would have fed the hunger pangs by now. Any other man and with all the other men, even with their back turned away, I would have reached out for their hand by now. I would have reached out for a man’s hand not opened towards me, but turned away, turned to the ground, I would have reached out anyway, but not now, not this time, not with Pierre.
Benny holds the mirror where I stand looking at my reflection in the grey covered mirror that Pierre left behind on the wall of his apartment in Paris. I ask myself, "What are my intentions?".
Today as I was walking home after a meeting with Adrian, I stopped in a boutique near my apartment. I met the owner of the shop, an attractive young African man who was more than happy to allow me to practice speaking in French. He gave me his card and asked me to please come back to visit and talk. He wanted my address and phone number, but I told him I had to go back to my apartment to see the address on a paper first since I have not been here long. His name is Salome. Did I mention that he's very attractive, with dread locked hair? Salome had many mirrors in his shop. Maybe one day I will go back to visit.
Maybe I will allow Jean-Martin (from a previous blog)to be my French Instructor...maybe I will because Benny asked me to "spice up" my blog. And these two men, Jean-Martin and Salome are spicy indeed. Maybe I will because Dale, the erotic author said that women are some of the best writers. Maybe next week I will blog about trying on clothes in Salome's boutique, when he enters the curtain I had pulled closed and I feel his dread lock falling softly, touching my lips as he gently lays me down on the cushioned bench inside the dressing room and kisses me...maybe.
But for now...I just wrote that fictional sentence for my best friend Benny. My life in reality remains boring and without a man.